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Training for the Zombie Apocalypse

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  Zombies. Undead. Walkers. Infected. For a very long time in the world of Zombie Apocalypse preparation, the primary fitness goal was core and upper body strength, to allow the survivor to better twist the head off /wield a chainsaw/swing a bat into the forehead of the zombie.  Then 28 Days Later and Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake introduced us to the need for a vigorous cardio program. But we can’t all be professional football players. How do we best train for the armies of the brain-eating undead?  That’s where this handy guide comes in. Maybe it's not about the zombie as much as it is about preparing and knowing what kind of zombies you're likely to have in your neck of the Apocalypse. Part One: Know your neighbors. It's important to know your neighbors’ habits and strengths. After all, it's their heads you'll be bashing in with their own bicycle seat posts or bowling balls when they contract ZOMBID-19. This is something completely overlooked by pretty

Welcome to the New 1970s. We hope you're happy.

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"Now I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds." From the Bee Gees Greatest Hits. Fans of terrible fashion, uncertain economic times, chaotic international events, and the promise of global extinction are all in for a treat this decade. The last few years have demonstrated that the Universe has pulled out the National Malaise album and started blasting that vinyl, because if you’ve been watching carefully, the 2020s are playing the brain-asphyxiating 1970’s greatest hits. We hope you like bell bottoms and feathered hair, brother, because we’re in for a wild ride. But don’t believe us. Believe this chart: But there’s more to it than this, however. The 1970s saw the United States land on the moon. Guess what NASA has planned for the mid-2020s? Project Artemis, daddy-o. Or rather, mommy-o, since this time we will send American female astronauts back to Luna, presumably so some humans might survive annihilation. That’s right! While the 1970s was packed with spicy Mutuall

Why we're leaving Afghanistan the way we are, by President Joe Biden

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An Op Ed, by President of the United States Joe Biden. Ever wonder how a credit card company can say that every purchase is "double miles?" I mean, this is sort of an oxymoron, isn't it? Maybe it could be more miles than you might get from another credit card, but if every purchase is double miles then that's not double miles, that's just miles. That's the allotment. The only way you get double is if there are times when you get twice as much as the normal allotment. Ever wonder about the speed limit? That's not really like a hard limit is it? A limit means that is the limit – there's nothing beyond that. Like, if you are limited to one egg at breakfast, okay, then they gave you one egg and that's all you get. That's the limit. The speed limit is more like the manufacturer suggested retail speed. That's the speed they would want you to go but ain't nobody doing it. Ever seen a truck tire explode and blow off all those big chunks of tire

Why don’t drug cartels hire clowns anymore? Op Ed by Kinky Pinky

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  Hard working entertainer seeking employment. Extensive background in stabbing. Editor's note: Kinky Pinky once worked as an enforcer for the KRAK drug cartel in the 1980s video game NARC. He is currently unemployed.  If you believe the “news,” the economy is recovering from the pandemic. Not only that, but there are tons of jobs that people just aren’t even applying for. Well, don’t be fooled. There are some people out there who want to be able to work, but can’t. I’m talking about hard working people, who aren’t afraid to roll up their nappy, nasty clown sleeves and stab people. But it seems that drug cartels suddenly have no interest in hiring knife-wielding clowns to kidnap prostitutes anymore. I tell you, Biden has turned this country into a socialist nation for sure.   It’s not like I haven’t tried to find work. But most of the cartels these days require you to get the covid vaccine and frankly, I’m scared of needles. Plus, I'm opposed to putting unknown chemicals in my

Happy Birthday, United States Coast Guard!

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The US Coast Guard celebrates 231 years of service today! Let's take a look at some notable facts about the service that was obviously the happiest  branch when Space Force was created so that now someone else has to sit in the middle of the back seat of the Joint Chiefs Car Pool.

The Midlife Crisis Center is here for you

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It comes in many forms, in many ways. Main Photo by  Matthew Ronder-Seid  on  Unsplash . Customer service rep photo by Jay Goodman . Perhaps during your morning shower and shave you noticed that your hairline is in full retreat, or maybe a bald spot has set up a beachhead on the back of your skull. It could be that you looked in the mirror and your dad was looking back at you. Or maybe you were chatting with another dad that you found out is your exact age but instead of spending the weekend elbow deep in cleaning cat litter and mowing the grass, he’s going skydiving during a spontaneous vacation to the Maldives and now you’re wondering what the heck you are doing with your life. Research shows (probably) that everyone except maybe astronauts will experience a midlife crisis some time in their lives.* It’s okay. It’s normal, and now you have help. In times past, people who experienced these bouts of inadequacy mixed with a sense of their own mortality had limited options. A person

The best fantasy hero: Conan vs Beastmaster

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In 1982, the world was introduced to two cinematic sword-and-sorcery heroes: Conan the Barbarian, and Dar the Beastmaster. But we say that the world can only have one ultimate shirtless hero whose entire village was murdered and thus setting the sole survivor on a violent trajectory of bloodthirsty vengeance. Who wore the scanty loincloth best? Conan the Barbarian (1982, Universal Pictures) and The Beastmaster (1982, MGM, UA Entertainment) Beastmaster was a fun movie, but all together, Conan has to come out on top.