The Bionic Man Exposed!



Steve Austin, cyborg stud.
On March 6, 1973, the U.S. Government quietly authorized $6 million for use on a secret, state-of-
the-art weapon system without the knowledge or consent of Congress. A weapon system, as one unnamed source reported, to take care of “certain jobs where ships, planes, [or] a multiplicity of personnel, would be problematic.” In fact, none of the traditional national security apparatus – the CIA, FBI, C.O.N.T.R.O.L - was aware of the program. This was no small feat. After all, not only was $6 million a significant sum of money back in 1973 (an amount that could have purchased a top of the line fighter jet or the votes of half a dozen senators), but the program cost an additional half to $1 million dollars per year to sustain it. Plus, spinoff weapons of similar cost were eventually deployed as well.

Damper 3 recently launched an investigation of “Six Million Dollar Man,” Colonel Steve Austin, and the Office of Scientific Intelligence (OSI), the shadowy government organization for whom he worked as a cyborg secret agent. What we turned up, through Freedom of Infotainment requests and good-old-fashioned yellow journalism, will shock you. This first article, “How Much Did the Six Million Dollar Man Really Cost,” is the first in a series to be released over the following weeks. If we suddenly disappear and our bloated, reeking corpses are found floating in a swamp somewhere before the final, shocking release, don’t judge. We’ve been meaning to lose weight and take a shower, but someone has to protect democracy.

What was this weapon? A “cy-borg,” part man, part machine. If you walked past Steve Austin, he looked like a normal, dashing man pulsating with testosterone. But under the groovy 1970s semiformal wear was at least one nuclear generator and sophisticated robotics that enabled him to run in slow motion upwards of 60 miles per hour (editor: check this sentence). With the strength of a bulldozer and the eye of an eagle with bulldozer eyes (editor: what?), the government’s cy-borg agent was capable of fantastic feats of superhuman…feats. (editor: stop this).


To set the stage for the rest of the investigation, we’re considering the significant cost such a clandestine program truly had. The attached graphic demonstrates that in order for OSI to fund the secretive and questionable untested weapons system, other arguably more worthy public works were essentially sacrificed. How many schools were sacrificed for a “bionic man?” Our graphic exposes this.

In our next installation, we will explore the organization that set this all in motion…the Office of Scientific Intelligence.

Comments

  1. Love it. Oliver Spencer had it right: The cost is justified since the use of one, specific asset can do the job that's too cumbersome for larger military apparatus.

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