Stupid Letters to the Editor


 




Harold Newsbaum is the Editor-in-Chief of the Interesting Times Harold newspaper, the first issue of which should have been published already but the editing process is a bit slow. (Editor’s note: my writers are imbeciles). 


One of the features Mr. Newsbaum is most proud of is “The Dustbin of History,” the Times Harold’s letters forum. He truly loves to interact with the patrons of this newspaper, in that he can tell them how to live their miserable lives. (Editor’s note: I do love that).

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The Dustbin of History
Dear Harold,

I am really torn with what to believe about COVID-19. I know that there are a lot of doctors and scientists who are telling us that this is serious and that we need to continue to be cautious or risk a second outbreak. But I also saw one person on YouTube who I have never heard of before say otherwise. Also it’s all a conspiracy, according to some memes. Who do I trust?

Sincerely,
Baffled in Baton Rouge

 

Dear Baffled,


First, it’s “Mister Newsbaum,” not “Harold.” I don’t know you, and it’s impolite to be so familiar with me.

Second, you have to trust YouTube. I mean, for crying out loud, if it wasn't for YouTube, where would my grandchildren watch videos of adults opening pig toys? You know there's rigorous screening and planning to get the best of the best on there. It's not like any jackass with a smartphone could just throw something up there. 

Besides, the very fact that so many doctors and scientists agree on something is pretty much evidence of a conspiracy. In fact, it’s impossible to have a conspiracy without a bunch of people. So, slam dunk. You’d be a fool if you don’t instead put your complete trust into a network of people with dubious credentials who are accusing everyone that you trusted before, like doctors, of being part of an effort to take your liberty and probably worship the Devil. It's a shame we didn't have the internet around when Jonas Salk was doing his work. Think of the countless lives ruined by the side effects of the polio vaccine

Harold Newsbaum, E-i-C
 
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Dear Mister Newsbaum,

I have had a lot of trouble with my 1978 Plymouth Volare lately. Sometimes it starts, and sometimes
it doesn’t. Plus it billows smoke. Not outside, like out of the tailpipe, but inside, from the air conditioner. I’ve asked a lot of trained mechanics and looked at a lot of verified auto support sites, and they say that not only might I need to get a lot of expensive repairs but that I’m in danger from driving around in a thick haze of noxious clouds. However, I know a guy who owns three half-built cars and has a YouTube channel who says it’s fine and probably just a $12 part. He says he can fix it for me in a couple of weeks, and that I’ll be okay with all the smoke and stuff until then. Who should I trust?

Respectfully yours,
Breathing fumes in Philadelphia,


Dear Breathing,

Call me Harold.

You should definitely believe the YouTube guy. Once again we see where the powerful elites are trying to hoodwink you into paying too much for car repairs and also probably worship the Devil. Go to Daryl (I’m sure his name is Daryl) and let him fix it once he gets his truck towed from the last place it broke down.

But here's how you put Daryl to the test: ask him what he knows about a 1978 AMC Concord. Has he ever smelled burnt bananas when one starts up? Also, ask him if he's ever heard that they throw bolts out in the highway? If he says neither of those happen, or suggests you scrap the Volare, get a new mechanic. Also, ask him how I get the passenger seatbelt unbuckled on the AMC. My wife is sick of shimmying into it when I take her to Denny's for date night.
 Harold Newsbaum, E-i-C
 
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Dear Harold Newsbaum,

I’m trying to bake a cake, and all these recipe sites are telling me to bake it at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes or so. I asked a friend of mine, a baker, who said that she usually does that as well. However, I am very hungry, and I found a rather jittery gentleman’s video on Facebook who told me that only the Deep State cooks cakes at 350 degrees, and that I can easily cook the cake at 1200 degrees for 2 minutes. What should I do?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Starving in Seattle


Dear Starving,
1200 degrees sounds right to me.

Harold Newsbaum, E-i-C

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Have a question for Harold? It’s best if you hold on to it for a while.


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