Stupid Letters to the Editor
Harold Newsbaum is the Editor-in-Chief of the Interesting Times Harold newspaper, the
first issue of which should have been published already but the editing process
is a bit slow. (Editor’s note: my writers
are imbeciles).
One of the features Mr. Newsbaum is most proud of is “The
Dustbin of History,” the Times Harold’s
letters forum. He truly loves to interact with the patrons of this newspaper,
in that he can tell them how to live their miserable lives. (Editor’s note: I do love that).
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The Dustbin of
History
Dear Harold,
I am really torn with what to believe about COVID-19. I know
that there are a lot of doctors and scientists who are telling us that this is
serious and that we need to continue to be cautious or risk a second outbreak.
But I also saw one person on YouTube who I have never heard of before say
otherwise. Also it’s all a conspiracy, according to some memes. Who do I trust?
Sincerely,
Baffled in Baton Rouge
Dear Baffled,
First, it’s “Mister Newsbaum,” not “Harold.” I don’t know
you, and it’s impolite to be so familiar with me.
Second, you have to trust YouTube. I mean,
for crying out loud, if it wasn't for YouTube, where would my grandchildren
watch videos of adults opening pig toys? You know there's rigorous screening
and planning to get the best of the best on there. It's not like any jackass
with a smartphone could just throw something up there.
Besides, the very fact that so many doctors
and scientists agree on something is pretty much evidence of a conspiracy. In
fact, it’s impossible to have a conspiracy without a bunch of people. So, slam
dunk. You’d be a fool if you don’t instead put your complete trust into a
network of people with dubious credentials who are accusing everyone that you
trusted before, like doctors, of being part of an effort to take your liberty and
probably worship the Devil. It's a shame we didn't have the internet around
when Jonas Salk was doing his work. Think of the countless lives ruined by the
side effects of the polio vaccine
Harold Newsbaum, E-i-C
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Dear Mister Newsbaum,
I have had a lot of trouble with my 1978 Plymouth Volare
lately. Sometimes it starts, and sometimes
Respectfully yours,
Breathing fumes in Philadelphia,
Dear Breathing,
Call me Harold.
You should definitely believe the YouTube guy. Once again we
see where the powerful elites are trying to hoodwink you into paying too much
for car repairs and also probably worship the Devil. Go to Daryl (I’m sure his
name is Daryl) and let him fix it once he gets his truck towed from the last
place it broke down.
But here's how you put Daryl to the test: ask him what he knows about a 1978 AMC Concord. Has he ever smelled burnt bananas when one starts up? Also, ask him if he's ever heard that they throw bolts out in the highway? If he says neither of those happen, or suggests you scrap the Volare, get a new mechanic. Also, ask him how I get the passenger seatbelt unbuckled on the AMC. My
wife is sick of shimmying into it when I take her to Denny's for date night.
Harold Newsbaum,
E-i-C
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Dear Harold Newsbaum,
I’m trying to bake a cake, and all these recipe sites are
telling me to bake it at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes or so. I asked a friend
of mine, a baker, who said that she usually does that as well. However, I am
very hungry, and I found a rather jittery gentleman’s video on Facebook who
told me that only the Deep State cooks cakes at 350 degrees, and that I can
easily cook the cake at 1200 degrees for 2 minutes. What should I do?
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Starving in Seattle
Dear Starving,
1200 degrees sounds right to me.
Harold Newsbaum, E-i-C
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Have a question for Harold? It’s best if you hold on to it
for a while.
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