Congratulations on your Constitutional Law Degree from Twitter University
I am so honored to be the commencement speaker at such a
noble occasion as this, your graduation from Twitter University. I want to
thank the esteemed faculty and staff, you the students, and especially the
millions of law experts that dwell in the academic ether we all know as
Twitter.
I know it wasn’t easy. You’ve spent literally weeks honing your
skills, delving into the vast Tweet Threads that guided you, step-by-step, through
the byzantine world of Constitutional Law. Once upon a time, a
person would have had to attend an actual law school to attain such academic credibility.
I know what you’re thinking. “Okay, boomer!” Am I right?
Seriously, though. Times have changed. Legal luminaries like
Alan Dershowitz, Rudy Giuliani, and Seth Abramson have lectured and mentored
you on the nuances of the law. Judge Jeanine and Newt
Gingrich helpfully explained many times what you all saw and heard wasn’t, demonstrable
facts aside, actually what you saw and heard. Quite the opposite, usually. Even the President of the United
States applied his vast experience in bankruptcy law to the Constitution. Sometimes
you asked, as you slogged through their fevered expertise, “Is it really worth
it?” Please let me know if you found the answer. Please.
Ted Cruz sometimes even talked law. He wasn’t asked, but he
did it anyway.
And it wasn’t just the lawyers, former lawyers, and
lawmakers that have shaped you on your journey. There were plenty of
lawbreakers as well. Former sheriffs Joe Arpaio and David Clarke (before he
left Twitter) did a number of seminars on what Constitutional law would look
like if you beat it and left it in a cell for a prolonged time without the
water of liberty. The answer: the same as what happens when you do it to a
human and deprive them of the water of water.
But these were just the most visible stars in the Twitter
Legal Firmament. Your education would have only been halfway complete were it
not for the multitudes of experts that make Twitter Twitter. Experts like
Patriot_Eagle5433211 and Sn0flake_Killer3332, who don’t so much weave arguments
like elegant legal tapestries but rather shred legal logic and use them on the
bottom of the birdcage of lucidity. Yes, these are the people that distill
Constitutional jurisprudence into its most elemental form until it can be
crammed onto a Minion meme. You are now the carriers of the tiki torches of
knowledge they have bequeathed to you.
And you’ve worked hard, but now you’re ready. You’re ready
to argue with anyone who even hints that they hold an ignorant opinion about
such things as the Second Amendment, abortion, or LGBT rights. There are
probably other parts of the constitution too. So you’re ready for that as well.
Go get ‘em, tigers. I’ll be there, watching your careers with great interest.
Well, I would be if I hadn’t blocked each and every one of you already.
Sincerely, SwolConstitutioner1776.
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