Congratulations on your Constitutional Law Degree from Twitter University

I am so honored to be the commencement speaker at such a noble occasion as this, your graduation from Twitter University. I want to thank the esteemed faculty and staff, you the students, and especially the millions of law experts that dwell in the academic ether we all know as Twitter.

I know it wasn’t easy. You’ve spent literally weeks honing your skills, delving into the vast Tweet Threads that guided you, step-by-step, through the byzantine world of Constitutional Law. Once upon a time, a person would have had to attend an actual law school to attain such academic credibility. I know what you’re thinking. “Okay, boomer!” Am I right?

Seriously, though. Times have changed. Legal luminaries like Alan Dershowitz, Rudy Giuliani, and Seth Abramson have lectured and mentored you on the nuances of the law. Judge Jeanine and Newt Gingrich helpfully explained many times what you all saw and heard wasn’t, demonstrable facts aside, actually what you saw and heard. Quite the opposite, usually. Even the President of the United States applied his vast experience in bankruptcy law to the Constitution. Sometimes you asked, as you slogged through their fevered expertise, “Is it really worth it?” Please let me know if you found the answer. Please.

Ted Cruz sometimes even talked law. He wasn’t asked, but he did it anyway.

And it wasn’t just the lawyers, former lawyers, and lawmakers that have shaped you on your journey. There were plenty of lawbreakers as well. Former sheriffs Joe Arpaio and David Clarke (before he left Twitter) did a number of seminars on what Constitutional law would look like if you beat it and left it in a cell for a prolonged time without the water of liberty. The answer: the same as what happens when you do it to a human and deprive them of the water of water. 

But these were just the most visible stars in the Twitter Legal Firmament. Your education would have only been halfway complete were it not for the multitudes of experts that make Twitter Twitter. Experts like Patriot_Eagle5433211 and Sn0flake_Killer3332, who don’t so much weave arguments like elegant legal tapestries but rather shred legal logic and use them on the bottom of the birdcage of lucidity. Yes, these are the people that distill Constitutional jurisprudence into its most elemental form until it can be crammed onto a Minion meme. You are now the carriers of the tiki torches of knowledge they have bequeathed to you.

And you’ve worked hard, but now you’re ready. You’re ready to argue with anyone who even hints that they hold an ignorant opinion about such things as the Second Amendment, abortion, or LGBT rights. There are probably other parts of the constitution too. So you’re ready for that as well. Go get ‘em, tigers. I’ll be there, watching your careers with great interest. Well, I would be if I hadn’t blocked each and every one of you already.

Sincerely, SwolConstitutioner1776.


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