Other Required Trump Rally Waivers
Dear fellow Patriotic American,
Thank you for signing up to attend the first post-fake
pandemic rally for President Trump, and also for accepting
responsibility for any potential COVID-19 infection that may result from
it. We’re ready to get back to campaigning for another four years to “Keep
America Great”, and we know you are too! But before you can attend, please read
through the following additional waivers (simply formalities imposed on us by
the Deep State), and click “ACCEPT” at the bottom of the page. Or better yet,
don’t read them and click “ACCEPT” anyway.
You agree to cheer wildly for any celebrity that the President
chooses to praise, no matter how irrelevant, outdated, or unknown. This
includes that guy who played Chachi, James Woods, and that one game show host
no one under the age of 50 remembers.
You acknowledge that things can get crazy at these rallies,
and if you have even a passing resemblance to Jim Acosta or Wolf Blitzer, you
might not make it out alive.
If anyone asks you if Donald J. Trump Jr. was present between
the hours of 8:00 – 9:32 pm, you will answer yes, definitely. And he looked
calm, composed, and not like he just strangled a hobo for fun.
Are you a cop? You have to tell us if you’re a cop.
You agree that, if you have skin color darker than that of whole
milk, you will be both put in front of every camera for publicity purposes and
watched closely every second you are there.
Should you get the opportunity to shake hands with the
President (only $49.99, a real value!) you agree to not wipe off the sweaty, orange
residue while in his line of sight. We know it’s gross, but we can’t say
anything to him.
You acknowledge that the gnawing sense of guilt at the
periphery of your conscience resulting from cheering for things you – deep down
– know to be wrong or misguided is solely a matter between you and your
Creator. Even if the President decides to award the Presidential Medal of
Freedom posthumously to Jeffrey Dahmer, any feelings of trepidation or remorse
are on you.
By acknowledging all of the above, you agree to not sue
President Trump, his family, or his presidential campaign or to hold any of
these entities responsible for anything that goes wrong, up to and including
the dissolution of the United States.*
*Okay, you can hold Eric responsible.
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