The Dustbin of History: Letters to the Editor 10 June 2020

The Dustbin of History

Harold Newsbaum


Letters to the Editor

 

Dear Mr. Newsbaum,

I need help with my son! He’s really getting into online gaming now, and apparently the family computer is “underpowered.” Whenever he tries to play some of his games (I think one of them is “Fort-craft”), he says the computer “freezes” up or gets really “laggy.” He keeps begging us for things like a “graphics card” or “more RAM” and some “gigabytes.” His 13th birthday is coming up soon, and I really want to surprise him with a new computer but they are so expensive! Do you have any advice on how I can help my son with his computer passion? 


Sincerely,
Crashing in California

 

Dear Crashing,

I understand very little of what you just wrote. I assume a squirrel raced into your house and attempted to avoid you by zig-zagging on your keyboard. But if I caught the gist, I’d suggest you try for a daughter next time. They’re just as expensive, but maybe she will want something that makes more sense to you.

Best of luck,
Harold

 

Dear Mr. Newsbaum,

I am a time-traveler from the year 2045, and I am here to warn you! Your country is in great peril and must take action! Subsurface lizard men are preparing to attack the surface world! Their advanced technology will lay waste to the entire world! The only way you can stop them is to cut your nation’s carbon emissions by a mere 1 percent! You can do this and save the planet!

Sincerely,
Frank from the Future


Dear Future,

Cry me a river, liberal.

Sincerely,
Harold

 

Dear Harold,

My doctor wants me to wear a mask in public, to protect me from the "COVID-19." But I think he's getting kickbacks from the mask industry. I don't want to do anything that could risk my health, but I also don't want to do what George Soros is telling us all to do. Can you help?

Yours truly,
Going crazy in California.


Dear Crazy,

For thousands of years humanity has built society on the increasing knowledge built by the people that came before them, until we had a vast and rich understanding of the world around us. Now a quick Google search allows us to think that illness is caused by bad humours that can only be released by bloodletting.

But yeah you're right. It's probably a political conspiracy.

Harold.

Dear Harold,

The doctor told me that I had my blood pressure to high and that I needed to eliminate stress from my life and cut out coffee. Do you have advice?

Yours,
Coffee free in Philly


Dear stupid,

I understand that the average life span of a man living outside the United States is 47 years. I suggest you adopt a foreign accent so everyone will figure it's only natural when you die.


Respectfully yours,
Harold.

Dear Harold. I was in the East End heading over to Berlin antiques when I saw an old college friend so I stopped at pulled over to talk to her. She asked about my husband, I asked about her husband, and we caught up on the children and our vacation plans for this summer. She mentioned her niece had recently come out but we all knew that was just a matter of time. She always kept her hair very short and was wearing dungarees and flannel shirts. She's always been very fond of the fast older style cars that people make loud noises with too. On my way back since I never made it to Berlin's anyways I stopped to get some groceries and I guess what troubles me the most is I'm trying to decide if I can serve steak with a nice dry white wine.

Baffled in Berlin

Dear drivel,

Was there actually a question there or was that just the litany you use to prevent your brain from engaging?

Never write me again,
Harold

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