Trouble in Paradise, by King Mike-Noh
King Mike-Noh the Ambivalent |
As the King of Zakhara,
in the southernmost land of the Continent of Faerun, I have protected my ancient
kingdom from many a threat: dragons, ancient evils suddenly awoken, the massed
armies of my evil cousin to the west…the standard fare. But I now find my
nation beset with a figurative plague caused by a literal plague.
Zakhara has become quite
the hotspot ever since the world of Earth was overrun by the Virus of Corona,
and the influx of immigrants has placed a strain on the flagging economy.
Zakhara, once a prime location for the advent of many Dungeons and Dragons
adventures has become a tourist trap, and crowded to capacity. Locals and
old-timers are beginning to lose faith in their government to keep them safe
from the uncaring tourists.
“Where am I to get that
amount of mead?” asked local bartender/proprietor of the Broken Drum (8 Filigree
Street). “The distillers can't keep up with the demand. Mind you
the hardest spirits we continue to dilute with turpentine, but barbarian
adventurers have certain expectations, and you can't just tell Bjern Doogpiker,
'My apologies good sir, we're bereft of the elixir you seek, we do carry Coke
products.' I've had to replace the mirror behind the bar five times
already.”
A local armorer, who
chose to remain anonymous, said that his shop has been “crowded to capacity
with a line outside, like these people had never even HEARD of social
distancing. I'm a man of education, and skill. I have a trade, and
a shop. I provide a valuable service. These people have no respect
for what they are dealing with. These are real swords. They cut
themselves. It's a valuable lesson, to be sure, but my insurance rates
are skyrocketing. My agent, Dha Bhlath is looking to buy his own trireme and is
limiting my claims and demanding more signage.”
Eddie, our dark lord,
Gruberman, Dungeon Master Journeyman, International Brotherhood of Dungeon
Masters (IBDM local 666) complained that there are untrained Dungeon Masters
out there just throwing loot and experience at new adventurers trying to get
them up to a sufficient level to be able to attempt to raid the hoard of the
Great Alasklerbanbastos.
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Continent of Faerun, home of empires and craft fairs |
“They are throwing these
people at them like so much dragon fodder,” fumed Eddie. “Needless to say,
ALL OF THESE ADVENTURERS are virgins.” Because of this even the minor dragons
like Altagos, the young brown male has gorged itself to the point that the
ZSPCD (Zakhara Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons) had to be
called in to protect them from their own weight gain.
“Believe me,” said Lance
the Disembowler, ZSPCD Lt., “these are NOT low-fat adventurers. Some of
the smallest take up a love-seat recliner when they sit down to their pizza and
Mt. Dew.”
But it's not just the
professionals in this realm that are suffering. The local denizens are
finding that their houses are collapsing due to the discovery of hitherto
unknown labyrinths and catacombs found under their neighborhoods. Many
Homeowners Associations are levying fines of several silver pieces for unsafe
sinkholes in yards that were once verdant gardens and homes to fine faery
folk. And in rural areas, the farmers cannot produce enough of any staple
to keep the markets open, let alone supply the inns with enough meat, potatoes,
gruel, and slop. A local land owner, and farmer, Miss Renata Flitworth,
complained that regardless of how many signs she puts up stating “Hlep waned!”
tourists in Birkenstocks, shorts, and long sleeved t-shirts speaking some
foreign gobbledygook about Etsy, and St. James Arts, offer to buy her sign, but
no one wants to work.
Yes, Covid 19 has hit all of us hard, but some harder than others. But all we can do is bear with it together, as one kingdom, until this passes. As king, I have a solution in the works. My wizards are forecasting catastrophic hordes of zombies shuffling in from the East. It wouldn't be the first time my people have spent a week cowering in the cellars listening to the screams of unsuspecting and unprepared Outsiders.
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