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Showing posts from 2021

Training for the Zombie Apocalypse

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  Zombies. Undead. Walkers. Infected. For a very long time in the world of Zombie Apocalypse preparation, the primary fitness goal was core and upper body strength, to allow the survivor to better twist the head off /wield a chainsaw/swing a bat into the forehead of the zombie.  Then 28 Days Later and Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake introduced us to the need for a vigorous cardio program. But we can’t all be professional football players. How do we best train for the armies of the brain-eating undead?  That’s where this handy guide comes in. Maybe it's not about the zombie as much as it is about preparing and knowing what kind of zombies you're likely to have in your neck of the Apocalypse. Part One: Know your neighbors. It's important to know your neighbors’ habits and strengths. After all, it's their heads you'll be bashing in with their own bicycle seat posts or bowling balls when they contract ZOMBID-19. This is something completely overlooked by pretty

Welcome to the New 1970s. We hope you're happy.

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"Now I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds." From the Bee Gees Greatest Hits. Fans of terrible fashion, uncertain economic times, chaotic international events, and the promise of global extinction are all in for a treat this decade. The last few years have demonstrated that the Universe has pulled out the National Malaise album and started blasting that vinyl, because if you’ve been watching carefully, the 2020s are playing the brain-asphyxiating 1970’s greatest hits. We hope you like bell bottoms and feathered hair, brother, because we’re in for a wild ride. But don’t believe us. Believe this chart: But there’s more to it than this, however. The 1970s saw the United States land on the moon. Guess what NASA has planned for the mid-2020s? Project Artemis, daddy-o. Or rather, mommy-o, since this time we will send American female astronauts back to Luna, presumably so some humans might survive annihilation. That’s right! While the 1970s was packed with spicy Mutuall

Why we're leaving Afghanistan the way we are, by President Joe Biden

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An Op Ed, by President of the United States Joe Biden. Ever wonder how a credit card company can say that every purchase is "double miles?" I mean, this is sort of an oxymoron, isn't it? Maybe it could be more miles than you might get from another credit card, but if every purchase is double miles then that's not double miles, that's just miles. That's the allotment. The only way you get double is if there are times when you get twice as much as the normal allotment. Ever wonder about the speed limit? That's not really like a hard limit is it? A limit means that is the limit – there's nothing beyond that. Like, if you are limited to one egg at breakfast, okay, then they gave you one egg and that's all you get. That's the limit. The speed limit is more like the manufacturer suggested retail speed. That's the speed they would want you to go but ain't nobody doing it. Ever seen a truck tire explode and blow off all those big chunks of tire

Why don’t drug cartels hire clowns anymore? Op Ed by Kinky Pinky

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  Hard working entertainer seeking employment. Extensive background in stabbing. Editor's note: Kinky Pinky once worked as an enforcer for the KRAK drug cartel in the 1980s video game NARC. He is currently unemployed.  If you believe the “news,” the economy is recovering from the pandemic. Not only that, but there are tons of jobs that people just aren’t even applying for. Well, don’t be fooled. There are some people out there who want to be able to work, but can’t. I’m talking about hard working people, who aren’t afraid to roll up their nappy, nasty clown sleeves and stab people. But it seems that drug cartels suddenly have no interest in hiring knife-wielding clowns to kidnap prostitutes anymore. I tell you, Biden has turned this country into a socialist nation for sure.   It’s not like I haven’t tried to find work. But most of the cartels these days require you to get the covid vaccine and frankly, I’m scared of needles. Plus, I'm opposed to putting unknown chemicals in my

Happy Birthday, United States Coast Guard!

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The US Coast Guard celebrates 231 years of service today! Let's take a look at some notable facts about the service that was obviously the happiest  branch when Space Force was created so that now someone else has to sit in the middle of the back seat of the Joint Chiefs Car Pool.

The Midlife Crisis Center is here for you

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It comes in many forms, in many ways. Main Photo by  Matthew Ronder-Seid  on  Unsplash . Customer service rep photo by Jay Goodman . Perhaps during your morning shower and shave you noticed that your hairline is in full retreat, or maybe a bald spot has set up a beachhead on the back of your skull. It could be that you looked in the mirror and your dad was looking back at you. Or maybe you were chatting with another dad that you found out is your exact age but instead of spending the weekend elbow deep in cleaning cat litter and mowing the grass, he’s going skydiving during a spontaneous vacation to the Maldives and now you’re wondering what the heck you are doing with your life. Research shows (probably) that everyone except maybe astronauts will experience a midlife crisis some time in their lives.* It’s okay. It’s normal, and now you have help. In times past, people who experienced these bouts of inadequacy mixed with a sense of their own mortality had limited options. A person

The best fantasy hero: Conan vs Beastmaster

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In 1982, the world was introduced to two cinematic sword-and-sorcery heroes: Conan the Barbarian, and Dar the Beastmaster. But we say that the world can only have one ultimate shirtless hero whose entire village was murdered and thus setting the sole survivor on a violent trajectory of bloodthirsty vengeance. Who wore the scanty loincloth best? Conan the Barbarian (1982, Universal Pictures) and The Beastmaster (1982, MGM, UA Entertainment) Beastmaster was a fun movie, but all together, Conan has to come out on top.   

Richard Branson jubilant upon return from historic trip to space: "Quail, frail mortals."

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At approximately 915 MST on Sunday, July 11, 2021, billionaire Richard Branson became the first person to finance his own trip into outer space . Video from his time in space showed an almost giddy Branson, floating weightlessly onboard his ship SpaceShipTwo along with several minions. As he addressed the world, and in particular children who have dreams of reaching the stars, his body began to change under the barrage of unforeseen cosmic radiation. “Brief mortals, tied by death to your rotten Earth, fear me,” boomed the billionaire. “No more will you address me as Richard Branson. Forevermore, I am Emperor Richard Brannos.” The heavens then shook with his laughter, which suddenly ceased. “And so help me if I hear just one more “Galactic Virgin” joke, I will rain hellfire on your pathetic world.” News of Emperor Brannos’ ascension, and his subsequent demand for the construction of a 2000-meter gold statue to be built on the site of Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin headquarters, was met

The United States Probes Back: America tackles UFOs

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Just over one year ago, on June 17, 2020, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and Watching Too Much Television ordered the US Intelligence Community (IC) to put together a report on all the space aliens . Why? Maybe the US is just sick of all the probing, and wants to do some probing of her own. Senator Marco Rubio (R – Florida, of course) led the charge to instruct the Director of National Intelligence to produce a “detailed analysis” of all the intelligence and data collected by Federal agencies on UFOs, a detailed description of interagency processes “for ensuring timely data collection and centralized analysis,” and to recommend future strategies in regards to UFOs. On the 25 th of June, the DNI did all that. In the form of a nine-page report . Six, if you take out the cover page, the half-page glossary, and a page that basically detailed what the Senate told them to do. The hell is a UAP?   But boy, did those six pages pack a punch. In it, the IC delivered a shocking reve

How to have a safe and patriotic post-lockdown 4th of July celebration

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Happy Independence Day!  Well, we did it. The pandemic is over* and we're now back to normal.** We've been through a lot over the past year, and now by golly it's time to really, truly celebrate! And what better time to go all out on our celebrations than the 4th of July? But before you celebrate America's birthday by drunkenly setting off some explosives made by America's top international adversary, take heed of some simple precautions to ensure you have a fun time that maximizes the chances you wake up with the same number of digits that you go to sleep with.  *The pandemic isn't over. ** Things are not back to normal.

"Have you looked at the sky lately?" (Part 2) The NASA Death Probe That Could Have Been

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Militarized Mars Rover (D3 concept sketch). You know they wanted to. On 20 Aug 1977, the United States launched the space probe Voyager 2 on a mission to study Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (*snicker*), Ur Mama, Neptune, and the outer reaches of the solar system. Then, evidently realizing they forgot about Voyager 1, another launch was conducted on 5 Sept 1977, which also targeted our far-flung celestial neighbors. This was the team in charge of numbering the Voyager missions But were these dual scientific feats really expressions of just American ingenuity? The fact that we just posed this in the form of a question would suggest they were not. True, the US had been flexing big time with the Apollo moon missions since 1969. But, as noted in Part 1 of Part 4 of this ongoing series (that’s correct, do the math), the timing of these ambitious satellites was suspicious, coming only 8 months after a Soviet Death Probe crashed into the American Midwest which was eventually destroyed by American

Did Italian space satellites change votes from Trump to Biden in the 2020 election?

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An in-depth analysis based on the technical and logistic capabilities of a foreign government's ability to electronically alter American votes from orbit. No. WE Linde and JE Dever contributed to this story. 

Our (last minute) gift for you on this Fathers Day

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Forgetting to get a gift for Fathers Day is a tradition that is as old as Mother's Day itself. Here's a card you can print. Or email if printing is too much effort.

I’m a foreign policy expert and everything you think is wrong

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  President Biden speaks to the troops at RAF Mildenhall. You probably didn't know that. I’ve noticed that many of you out there are very wrong about things involving foreign policy. I know it’s tempting to think you understand that nuances of international relations, but as an expert, it is my job to inform you that whatever it is you think about something is, without question, incorrect. Take, for instance, President Joe Biden’s recent meetings with the G7, followed by his highly anticipated first summit with Vladimir Putin. Did you think Biden looked poised? In control? That he helped unify the economic powers of the West and reaffirmed America’s commitment to NATO? Wrong. With the European Union cracking, under constant pressure from Russia, unsure and unified on how to meet the challenge of a burgeoning China, Biden offered little more than Obama 2.0. That may have been sufficient in 2008, but hardly what is needed now. But wait. You say that you know this? That Biden’s

“Have you looked at the sky lately?” (Part 1) The Bionic Man and America’s space program: Did a Soviet Union “death probe” provide the technology for NASA’s Mars rovers?

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  This is the latest installment of Damper Three’s award-wanting investigative series, The True Costs of the Six Million Dollar Man, which seeks to unearth the truth behind the development and use of the world’s first bionic secret agent. Read Part 1 , Part 2 , and Part 3 , if you haven’t already, to learn the background of Col. Steve Austin and the secretive Office of Scientific Intelligence for which he worked. In this latest of our ongoing Pulitzer-lacking series, we take a look at a massive US government coverup of an incident surrounding a Soviet space probe that invaded the US in the 1970s. Recently declassified documents and blueprints, obtained by Freedom From Information Act requests, provide startling details of a near catastrophe from this “communist space tank” that terrorized the American heartland. Not this one. This one happens later. In addition, despite the great personal risk that it will place the dashing and rugged investigative journalists writing this, we will t

Comparing the most successful space rovers

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With the United States and China both actively exploring Mars with high tech rovers, we here at Damper 3 have collected an extensive list* of the strengths and weaknesses of the most famous of all remotely piloted exploration vehicles. Below captures the peak achievements and some limitations of three nations' space tanks. Er, we mean rovers. *not extensive at all.

What to say to your sanctimonious time-travelling future self when he tries to stop you from doing something cool

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  Time pieces pic by    Jeremy Bishop  on   Unsplash . Pic of man by George Hodan on https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/ It happens to all of us, eventually. If you’ve avoided it so far, then congratulations. But your luck won’t last. Eventually you’ll be visited by your smarmy, time-travelling self from the future, and he will just NOT. SHUT. UP about something he thinks you should or shouldn’t do. “Don’t marry that girl that once tried to steal your kidney,” he’ll say, no matter how much she promised it was just a phase and she’ll probably never do it again. “Don’t start that rocket company to try and compete with Elon Musk because you have no idea how to run a business or how to build a rocket,” he’ll go on, trying to quash your dreams. He may even point to some scars and missing eyebrows, whatever that has to do with anything. “Quit using fossil fuels, or you’ll turn the planet into an unlivable hellscape.” That’s the most crazy one he’ll toss out there.   He’ll just go o

Signs that new job might not be for you

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The US economy has been through some turmoil over the past year, to say the least. But with COVID-19 restrictions lifting across the country, many who lost their jobs are anxious to return to work. Not so fast! While you may like the idea of a job that is looking for "someone seeking adventure," don't ignore the next line that says "must be good at sawing through tendons."  Damper 3, as always, has your back, with these tips on how to avoid a real dead end job.

An in-depth look at China's Zhurong Mars Rover

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On 14 May 2021, China became only the second nation to successfully land a remote-controlled rover on the surface of Mars.* Damper 3's scieneticians have poured over everything we could find in the B-movie science fiction section of Netflix to develop this meticulous breakdown of the Zhurong Mars Rover's capabilities. What we found might alarm you. With the details of the rover a state secret, D3 had to develop the below based off of the features likely to be incorporated by us if we were to design a rover and were also Communists.  *Second place is cool, we guess. 

Someone hacked my Facebook account, cloned it, and now he has more friends than me

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  I started to suspect that someone hacked my Facebook account sometime last week. I woke up one morning and found a confusing direct message from my pal, Fred. “Bro,”  said Fred. “You were so right. Sheila and me, we made up and now we’re committed to making things work. You helped save us, buddy. Thank you!” I had no idea Fred and Sheila were having problems. I don’t even like Sheila. If I’m being honest, I don’t like Fred either. But at the time I just scratched my head, replied “k”, and went about my day. More odd things started happening. Out of nowhere, Linda (a friend I’ve secretly had the hots for since high school) commented on my picture of the new truck nuts I put on my F350. She wrote, “Gross. I like the volunteer work at the animal shelter better.” What was she babbling about? Then later that evening, I shared an article from Patriot Truth Tellers that simply pointed out how the libtards have almost made America into a Communist country. Even though it’s not that controver

How to defend yourself when threatened with a gender reveal party

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  This may come as a surprise to the young people out there, but in the past a person could safely learn about an expected baby’s gender without fear of carnage or massive destruction of property. What used to be handled by a card sent through the mail or a Facebook post has escalated in a manner not unlike a Russian military buildup on the Ukrainian border. Every week we read news of the aftermath of another senseless act of gender revelation. One of the most recent was so destructive it made local residents think there had been an earthquake . With these events spiraling out of control, a person can be forgiven for wondering “am I next?” The unsettling answer is, unfortunately, “maybe.” The fact is that in many states (particularly in the South), there isn’t even a requirement to be licensed to carry gender reveal munitions. Because of this ever growing danger, here is some practical advice from law enforcement, self-defense experts, and military combat veterans on what to do if yo

Damper Three's Tips on having the perfect Mother's Day

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It's that time of year, where you can make up for forgetting that special mom in your life's birthday. You want her to know you love her, but you're terrible at self-expression. Probably because your mom screwed you up somehow when you were a kid. But that aside, you want today to be perfect. Yes, today. You forgot this too, didn't you? Well, don't panic. We've got your back with these tips.   

A closer look at the Perserv...the Persevar...Per...the newest Mars Rover

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 On 18 February 2021, after seven months of space travel, the Perseverance Rover landed on Mars. Just this week, the first Mars helicopter, Ingenuity, was unveiled and is expected to fly its first flight this weekend. With so much science history being made, let's take a closer look at the Perseverance. 

If you’re reading this, I’m probably already “cancelled”

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  I never thought this day would come. Well, actually I did. Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity said it would happen. Also Judge “Not a judge” Jeanine Pirro. And Lou Dobbs. They all said it would come. And Marjorie Taylor Green. And Lauren Boebert. And Joni Ernst, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley and…well, lots of others. They all said to expect the Socialists to come, and not to just do socialist things like get pissy about the US Capital Building being attacked by a mob. Oh no. They’re coming to cancel you and me. AOC and the other Socialists and Big Tech and Hollywood are all coming to silence us. It’s a travesty. Back in my day you would get fed up with some company’s BS and cancel them. Now it appears a company can get tired of my BS and cancel me! And they have. And you’re probably next. How was I cancelled? That’s an excellent question, if you’re a socialist. But I’ll play your little game and answer anyway, Vladamir. I know because I just checked my Twitter account, and guess how many retwe

Damper 3's Tips for the Perfect Valentine's Day

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 Stumped for ideas on how to show your loved one the perfect Valentine's Day? And you came here? Oh boy. Okay, don't panic. Here are some tips that are sure to show your special someone that you can remember their name. 

Godzilla vs. Kong: Do you like your monster gorilla rare or well done?

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Like the rest of the world, I saw the newly released Godzilla Vs. Kong trailer this past week. If you missed it, you can check it out below:  From the snippets and hints dropped in the two minute and thirty-two second preview, it seems Godzilla has gone rogue as he and King Kong are finishing some kind of ancient monster war. After watching it, I shared the same reaction as the rest of the world: this movie had better end with char-broiled gorilla flambe. At least, I assume that was the rest of the world’s reaction. I didn’t actually ask them. But come on. I recognize that I have not seen the movie, but as a good American who loves the 1 st Amendment I am compelled to forcefully argue about something I know little about. It’s my right, Vlad. Look it up. Scene from Godzilla vs. Kong, where Godzilla is playing with his food. (Warner Bros) The movie looks to be simply brimming with simian domination fantasy*, wherein King Kong (who, in his defense, has big canine teeth) somehow kee

The last actions of the Trump Administration

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 The last days of any presidential administration are hectic, and Trump's is no exception. Here's a list of a few last minutes loose-ends.

Forgive and forget: who among us has not attempted to violently overthrow a democratically elected government?

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 Interesting Times Harold Editorial Page Exclusive  I would like to get something off my chest, and not just the bruise from the FBI agent who crashed through my door last night and threw me into jail for exercising my First Amendment right to kick in a window at the Capitol Building. I understand that, from a certain point of view, the Save America Rally last week may have appeared to have gotten out of hand, what with the death and destruction and the defilement of the cradle of American democracy. But to that I say, who among you is ready to cast the first stone? NOT SO FAST! It’s easy for you to point out the speck of violent insurrection in my eye, but are you ready to remove the beam of driving 10mph over the speed limit from your eye? I’ve got you, haven’t I? You see, we’re not so different, you and I. We each are imperfect citizens of this Republic. You round up your deductions when calculating your taxes, and I stole property from a US Congressman and sold it to a guy wit