How to defend yourself when threatened with a gender reveal party
This may come as a surprise to the young people out there, but
in the past a person could safely learn about an expected baby’s gender without
fear of carnage or massive destruction of property. What used to be handled by
a card sent through the mail or a Facebook post has escalated in a manner not
unlike a Russian military buildup on the Ukrainian border. Every week we read
news of the aftermath of another senseless act of gender revelation. One of the
most recent was so destructive it made local residents think there
had been an earthquake.
With these events spiraling out of control, a person can be
forgiven for wondering “am I next?” The unsettling answer is, unfortunately,
“maybe.” The fact is that in many states (particularly in the South), there
isn’t even a requirement to be licensed to carry gender reveal munitions. Because
of this ever growing danger, here is some practical advice from law
enforcement, self-defense experts, and military combat veterans on what to do
if you find yourself facing the business end of a gender reveal invitation.
1. First, if someone threatens you with an
invitation to a gender reveal party, you must take him or her seriously. While
you may feel you know this person and that they might just be “kidding,” you
can’t risk that a lighthearted chuckle might set the perpetrator – and their poorly
constructed festive ordinance – off. Now if the invitation is electronic, or
even via mail, your response is simple: cut all known ties with the inviter (unfriend
and unfollow all social media). If you are close family members, you may be
forced to change your name and alter your identity. For the next several weeks,
do not leave your home, answer the phone, or check your social media. Continue
this until you hear the explosion and give ample time for fallout to clear.
However, if the invitation was given in person, things become much riskier. In
this instance, you need to look for any opportunity to distract your former
friend/family member to create an opening to flee. If you thought ahead, you
could use a taser or possibly a smoke grenade. (One former police officer told
me how he escaped a recent invitation by “popping blue smoke” that disoriented
the inviter long enough for a police helicopter to extract him). If you didn’t
plan so thoroughly, tell your impregnated assailant that you need to “call your
husband/wife/child/parents/doctor to see if you are free on the given date. As
soon as you are out of their line of sight, run like your life depends on it.
Because it does.
2. Another important thing to note is that gender
reveal devices make traditional self-defense courses irrelevant. Tae kwon doe
doesn’t teach a roundhouse-high explosive neutralization kick. But you may
consider enrolling the family in a neighborhood basic bomb squad class. These
classes are usually fun, create a bonding experience for the family, and may
prepare you for the possibility of staring down an unstable detonating device
hooked up into a fertilizer bomb crammed with pink or blue confetti.
3. Thanks to the free market and economies of
scale, gender reveal survival bunkers and panic rooms are becoming increasingly
affordable. These apocalypse-proof buildings may be just the ticket to ride out
not only the initial blast, but also the fiery
hellstorm that may follow. Once built, it is important to not only stock
with adequate amounts of food and water (2 weeks supply is recommended) and
entertainment (many states mandate bunkers hold at least one season of
Friends) but you and your family must be sure to practice your response
regularly in order to be prepared for the time when you truly need it. Drilling
for one half-hour per week should do it.
4. Although you may be uncomfortable with the idea,
consider purchasing a gender reveal device for home defense. With proper
training and care, having one in your home can provide you with peace of mind
and a level of protection should the unthinkable ever happen.
5. Finally, many military veterans say that “the
best defense is a good offense.” If you know or suspect someone in your social
sphere may be “expecting,” quietly collect as much gender reveal ordinance as
possible. If you receive a letter or email from them that at all hints of being
an invitation of sorts, discard it and plan your own reveal party. Remember,
you didn’t start this, but by golly you’re going to finish it.
Remember, having a baby is one of the most fulfilling and
beautiful things one can experience. But learning whether that baby is a boy or
a girl can be one of the most traumatizing. You owe it to yourself to be ready.
Comments
Post a Comment