"Have you looked at the sky lately?" (Part 2) The NASA Death Probe That Could Have Been

Militarized Mars Rover (D3 concept sketch). You know they wanted to.

On 20 Aug 1977, the United States launched the space probe Voyager 2 on a mission to study Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (*snicker*), Ur Mama, Neptune, and the outer reaches of the solar system. Then, evidently realizing they forgot about Voyager 1, another launch was conducted on 5 Sept 1977, which also targeted our far-flung celestial neighbors.

This was the team in charge of numbering the Voyager missions

But were these dual scientific feats really expressions of just American ingenuity? The fact that we just posed this in the form of a question would suggest they were not. True, the US had been flexing big time with the Apollo moon missions since 1969. But, as noted in Part 1 of Part 4 of this ongoing series (that’s correct, do the math), the timing of these ambitious satellites was suspicious, coming only 8 months after a Soviet Death Probe crashed into the American Midwest which was eventually destroyed by American Bionic agent and superhuman mustache wearer Steve Austin.

One might argue that there is no “direct,” “credible,” or even “vaguely lucid” evidence that the United States used technology from a destroyed Soviet Venus “Death Probe” to advance their own space program. As one leading scientist put it when we asked her about it, “Get out of my office.”

Which, of course, strongly suggests that the Deep State is covering it up.

Having therefore established that a total absence of evidence of a coverup is de facto evidence of a coverup, let’s compare the most recent American Probe to the Venus Death Probe, using schematics obtained by the Interesting Times Harold using a mix of investigative savvy, plucky journalism, and possibly a lot of cold and flu medication (we can’t remember). You may notice that while the Soviet schematic is more blunt about the capabilities of the Probe, the US Perseverance’s schematic appears as though it may have been doctored prior to its release.

So was NASA’s Mars rover program spun off from Soviet military technology captured in the 1970s? Were the rovers Sojourner, Spirit, Opportunity, Non-sequitur, Curly, Curiosity, and Perseverance derived from a past Communist regime’s advanced military hardware? And why did they decide to do away with the cool stuff and seemingly stick with nerdy science stuff?

…

Well?

Oh, wait. You were wanting that answer from us, weren’t you? Um, yes. Probably. Stay tuned for the next installment.

Editor’s note: You will never work for a newspaper ever again.

 

Sources:

Voyager 1 and 2 Fast Facts (NASA)

History.com First Space Shuttle Launched