What to say to your sanctimonious time-travelling future self when he tries to stop you from doing something cool
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Time pieces pic by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash. Pic of man by George Hodan on https://www.publicdomainpictures.net/ |
It happens to all of us, eventually. If you’ve avoided it so
far, then congratulations. But your luck won’t last. Eventually you’ll be
visited by your smarmy, time-travelling self from the future, and he will just
NOT. SHUT. UP about something he thinks you should or shouldn’t do.
“Don’t marry that girl that once tried to steal your
kidney,” he’ll say, no matter how much she promised it was just a phase and
she’ll probably never do it again.
“Don’t start that rocket company to try and compete with
Elon Musk because you have no idea how to run a business or how to build a
rocket,” he’ll go on, trying to quash your dreams. He may even point to some
scars and missing eyebrows, whatever that has to do with anything.
“Quit using fossil fuels, or you’ll turn the planet into an
unlivable hellscape.” That’s the most crazy one he’ll toss out there.
He’ll just go on and on, acting like he knows more about you
just because he is you and has lived your life for a decade or more than you
have. If you’re fortunate enough to have avoided it so far, then you’re in
luck. Here are some tips on what to say when Mister (or Miss!) Know-It-All tries to tell you how to live
your/their life.
First, the best defense is a good offense. When you hear
that weird sizzling ZING! sound and
you notice the blue, glowing ball expand in your living room as the time warp
gets ready to pitch the “Karen From the Future” into your life, get ready. What
he’ll want to do, expecting you to be
completely stunned at his melodramatic arrival, is start in with something like
“Dave! I’m you, from the FUTURE! You
have to listen to me!”
Don’t let him get there, or you’ll regret it as he yammers
on about how your super-high cholesterol somehow leads to nuclear Armageddon.
No, you go at him.
ZING!
Future you: “Da…”
You: “DAVE! It’s ME, from the NOW. I’m not interested in your crap. Jump back in that wormhole
and zip it, capiche?” Or better yet: “Oh look! It’s the Ghost of Kiss my Ass!
Listen, if you’re not here to tell me the winning lottery ticket numbers, do an
about face and dive back on that chesterfield time rift sofa, number 42.”
You might be tempted to just do a Spartan 300-style kick him backwards into the
time portal and send the Lameinator back to the future. But I don’t recommend
violence. There’s some weird quantum-time-continuity thing that guarantees
you’ll see some kind of karmic equivalence to whatever you dish out.
Now, keep in mind your future self isn’t going to listen any
more than you are. He is stupid that way.
He’s going to try and regroup
since he’s on a mission to meddle in your life and suck what little pleasure
you’re managing to eek out of this drab, dreary world. But it should put him on
notice that you’re not buying what he’s selling.
“Listen,” he’ll say. “I have a very important message for
you that could save countless yada yada
yada.” Man. He’s like a broken record. After he thinks he’s got your
attention, tell him that you can’t wait to totally change your life because an
older, fatter version of yourself is telling you to. Then say you’re going into
the bedroom to get a pencil and paper to write whatever he’s going to tell you
down. Once there, turn on the TV and turn up the volume so he knows you’re
dissing him. It’s all about asserting dominance.
At this stage, the future you is going to be pissed-off.
That’s good. You know how poorly you
think when you’re mad. Now he’s you but older, and it’s going to be worse, So
when he comes storming into your bedroom, go for the throat.
“Alright you. I don’t care. You and your 12 monkeys had your
fun and now you’re here to ruin it for me.
One more word from you and I’m going to pay for a full ride at the most
filthy, smelly, labor camp-like nursing home I can find. Enjoy living out your
remaining days at Sunny Meadows Pyongyang.”
Eventually, he’ll just start yelling. When the haranguing
begins - and it will - your best bet is
just to give him your best Nicholas Cage
face. You know the one I mean. The one that just screams that you don’t give
one ounce of crap about what is being said right now.
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Perfection. |
By this point, Senior Sanctimonious should be getting the
message. You’re thick, but even you can take a hint. He’ll probably shake his
head sadly, and turn back to that weird glowing orb. Just as he moves to step
in, he’ll turn and maybe say something like, “I guess that’s it. Your
selfishness has doomed us all.” And then he’ll vanish. ZING!
Prick.
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