Showing posts from July, 2021

The Midlife Crisis Center is here for you

It comes in many forms, in many ways. Main Photo by  Matthew Ronder-Seid  on  Unsplash . Customer service rep photo by Jay Goodman . Perhaps during your morning shower and shave you noticed that your hairline is in full retreat, or maybe a bald spot has set up a beachhead on the back of your skull. It could be that you looked in the mirror and your dad was looking back at you. Or maybe you were chatting with another dad that you found out is your exact age but instead of spending the weekend elbow deep in cleaning cat litter and mowing the grass, he’s going skydiving during a spontaneous vacation to the Maldives and now you’re wondering what the heck you are doing with your life. Research shows (probably) that everyone except maybe astronauts will experience a midlife crisis some time in their lives.* It’s okay. It’s normal, and now you have help. In times past, people who experienced these bouts of inadequacy mixed with a sense of their own mortality had limited options. A person

The best fantasy hero: Conan vs Beastmaster

In 1982, the world was introduced to two cinematic sword-and-sorcery heroes: Conan the Barbarian, and Dar the Beastmaster. But we say that the world can only have one ultimate shirtless hero whose entire village was murdered and thus setting the sole survivor on a violent trajectory of bloodthirsty vengeance. Who wore the scanty loincloth best? Conan the Barbarian (1982, Universal Pictures) and The Beastmaster (1982, MGM, UA Entertainment) Beastmaster was a fun movie, but all together, Conan has to come out on top.   

Richard Branson jubilant upon return from historic trip to space: "Quail, frail mortals."

At approximately 915 MST on Sunday, July 11, 2021, billionaire Richard Branson became the first person to finance his own trip into outer space . Video from his time in space showed an almost giddy Branson, floating weightlessly onboard his ship SpaceShipTwo along with several minions. As he addressed the world, and in particular children who have dreams of reaching the stars, his body began to change under the barrage of unforeseen cosmic radiation. “Brief mortals, tied by death to your rotten Earth, fear me,” boomed the billionaire. “No more will you address me as Richard Branson. Forevermore, I am Emperor Richard Brannos.” The heavens then shook with his laughter, which suddenly ceased. “And so help me if I hear just one more “Galactic Virgin” joke, I will rain hellfire on your pathetic world.” News of Emperor Brannos’ ascension, and his subsequent demand for the construction of a 2000-meter gold statue to be built on the site of Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin headquarters, was met

The United States Probes Back: America tackles UFOs

Just over one year ago, on June 17, 2020, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and Watching Too Much Television ordered the US Intelligence Community (IC) to put together a report on all the space aliens . Why? Maybe the US is just sick of all the probing, and wants to do some probing of her own. Senator Marco Rubio (R – Florida, of course) led the charge to instruct the Director of National Intelligence to produce a “detailed analysis” of all the intelligence and data collected by Federal agencies on UFOs, a detailed description of interagency processes “for ensuring timely data collection and centralized analysis,” and to recommend future strategies in regards to UFOs. On the 25 th of June, the DNI did all that. In the form of a nine-page report . Six, if you take out the cover page, the half-page glossary, and a page that basically detailed what the Senate told them to do. The hell is a UAP?   But boy, did those six pages pack a punch. In it, the IC delivered a shocking reve

How to have a safe and patriotic post-lockdown 4th of July celebration

Happy Independence Day!  Well, we did it. The pandemic is over* and we're now back to normal.** We've been through a lot over the past year, and now by golly it's time to really, truly celebrate! And what better time to go all out on our celebrations than the 4th of July? But before you celebrate America's birthday by drunkenly setting off some explosives made by America's top international adversary, take heed of some simple precautions to ensure you have a fun time that maximizes the chances you wake up with the same number of digits that you go to sleep with.  *The pandemic isn't over. ** Things are not back to normal.