Richard Branson jubilant upon return from historic trip to space: "Quail, frail mortals."
At approximately 915 MST on Sunday, July 11, 2021, billionaire
Richard Branson became the
first person to finance his own trip into outer space. Video from his time
in space showed an almost giddy Branson, floating weightlessly onboard his ship
SpaceShipTwo along with several minions. As he addressed the world, and in
particular children who have dreams of reaching the stars, his body began to
change under the barrage of unforeseen cosmic radiation.
“Brief mortals, tied by death to your rotten Earth, fear me,”
boomed the billionaire. “No more will you address me as Richard Branson. Forevermore,
I am Emperor Richard Brannos.” The heavens then shook with his laughter, which suddenly
ceased.
“And so help me if I hear just one more “Galactic Virgin”
joke, I will rain hellfire on your pathetic world.”
News of Emperor Brannos’ ascension, and his subsequent
demand for the construction of a 2000-meter gold statue to be built on the site
of Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin headquarters, was met with anger by the former Amazon chief. Speaking
from a secret volcanic lair, Bezos’ mocked Brannos (May He Rule Forever).
“Our war will be epic,“ scoffed Bezos through his metallic
mask, fused to his flesh in a freak accident years ago. “I am assembling a team
of witless champions who won’t likely defeat that British fop, but will surely
distract him long enough for me to finish my Gamma Canon.”
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Jeff Bezos, undated stock image (By Source, Fair use, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?curid=59387191) |
Elon Musk, having been detained in the Shadow Dimension, was unavailable for comment.
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