The United States Probes Back: America tackles UFOs

Just over one year ago, on June 17, 2020, the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and Watching Too Much Television ordered the US Intelligence Community (IC) to put together a report on all the space aliens. Why? Maybe the US is just sick of all the probing, and wants to do some probing of her own.

Senator Marco Rubio (R – Florida, of course) led the charge to instruct the Director of National Intelligence to produce a “detailed analysis” of all the intelligence and data collected by Federal agencies on UFOs, a detailed description of interagency processes “for ensuring timely data collection and centralized analysis,” and to recommend future strategies in regards to UFOs.

On the 25th of June, the DNI did all that. In the form of a nine-page report. Six, if you take out the cover page, the half-page glossary, and a page that basically detailed what the Senate told them to do.

The hell is a UAP?


But boy, did those six pages pack a punch. In it, the IC delivered a shocking revelation: they were calling “UFOs” “UAPs.” Also, UAPs were real. Or maybe not. But you know what would help answer the question? Money. 

To drive the point home, the report lays out in no uncertain terms how uncertain we are about all this stuff whizzing around our military bases. It could be anything, but funding for a unified system to track and analyze these mysterious sightings is so poor that the IC couldn’t afford to call these things “UFOs,” and were forced to use the off-brand designation “UAP.”

It is the position of this paper, the Interesting Times Harold, to endorse this call for more money to investigate UFAPOs. Firstly, because we need to understand whether UFPs are a potential national security threat. Are these APFOs advanced defense technology from Russia, China, or Romania? Or are they actually emissaries of doom from another galaxy?

It’s the doom one. Guaranteed.

Things have just gotten weird since the report was released. Things that just seem like they’d be related to aliens. Like a burning hole to hell in the Gulf of Mexico. That ain’t normal. And those billionaires racing to get the hell off the planet pronto. What is up with that?

Now that I think about it, the recent creation of a Space Force is now looking a little too conveniently timed, don’t you think? Does the government know something about an impending invasion? Seems suspicious.

So it’s well past time to dump a truckload of money into studying these unknown, unidentified, flying objects. We need to know if it’s aliens, communists, or just crazed billionaires running amok in our skies. Personally, I hope it’s aliens. Commies are pretty dull these days and those billionaires just creep me out.

Harold Newsbaum, Editor-in-chief


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