A Noir Guy Returns to the Office
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| Noir man photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash |
Figuring one bad decision wasn't
enough for the evening, I sat
down at my typewriter to put down my thoughts
on the “Big Return to the Office”.
Having spent the last two years of
the Pandemic alone in my basement apartment with the one fluorescent light bulb over my desk had given me the complexion typically
referred to as a pallor. At this rate I wouldn’t need to buy that ghoul
costume I had my eyes on for Halloween.
I wasn’t sure what the rush to get
back in the office was.
It seemed to me that two years away from everyone was just a “good start”.
I was just getting up my momentum.
Now stampeding like a panicked herd of water buffalo back into our stalls will
only lead to massive outbreaks of office work and bureaucracy.
You may question my analogy of “stampeding
water buffalo back into stalls,” and comment “why would a stampeding water
buffalo go into a stall?” But that’s the beauty of it. I can’t
think of a single reason.
As a side note, the choice of water
buffalo was based on the average weight gain of those of us in Corporate
America.
There’s been an uptick at the local
consignment shop. People looking for clothes that, if not fit, at least are
less obscene than their work attire long since forgotten in the closet.
Much like a time capsule from an era
when people did not consider a mask essential for completing their outfit, and
when they could still fit into something other than sweatpants, and all their
sizes did not start with a varying number of X’s.
The Return to the Office
My coworkers told me to take the stairs. Eat apples.
They don’t understand. I get
winded taking the nap. And as for
apples? Apples are designed to be
inedible.
The first bite is impossible, rendering it
nothing but a vector for seeds. If you
can get that first bite in, from there on it’s smooth sailing. I just don’t have it in me.
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| Just look at that self-righteous fruit. No thank you. |
I told my boss I needed to work from
home a few days a week to help take care of my kids. He reminded me that
since my wife was his sister, and she annulled the marriage before
consummation, 28 years ago, that was less an inconvenient truth and more a flagrant
lie.
He followed up with, “I’ll consider
it, as it would lead to seeing you less. Don’t forget to wear your mask
when you are in the
office.”
I reminded him about the pandemic
lift of the mask mandate. He allowed as it was more an aesthetic requirement,
with the health impact of less nausea around the place in general, and moderately filtered halitosis in particular.
It hadn’t taken me long to adopt
working at home. But after a couple of days I found myself back in the
office collecting things from my desk, like monitors, mouse, keyboard, as well
as several items from Nick’s desk, since he has much nicer things than
me.
When my haul got too heavy, I put
back some of my stuff. I knew it was safe. The site is secure, and
besides, No one else wanted my stuff either.
The last several times they
attempted this return to the office, the bug leapt
in like Kevin Costner in front of Whitney Houston, taking the bullet time after time, so that I could continue to sit here
in the dank confines of my own personal desk. But
like the dames in my life, it seems even this bug has let me down. But I have a
feeling, just like those dames, it’ll show up again on my doorstep without
warning.
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