OSI and the Six Million Dollar Man(atee)

When we broke the incredible story of the OSI and the Six Million Dollar Man two years ago (see The Bionic Man Exposed!), we knew that it was just the tip of the iceberg. 

But the deeply secretive Office of Scientific Intelligence had skillfully hidden the records of its activities to the extent that it’s taken many months of cobbling together nuggets of juicy, succulent information, deep fried in an intriguing batter of lies but seasoned with the herbs and spices of truth that it was impossible for us to turn away.

We are so hungry right now.

Damper Three News is currently preparing to release an explosive story (quite literally) of the earliest missions of the OSI and their star agent, Col. Steve Austin. Titled “Wine, Women, War and Taxpayer Dollar Waste,” we’ve uncovered evidence of military incompetence (an entire Polaris Missile was stolen) and the cover-up of the century. 

We can’t reveal it now, but here’s a hint:  Don’t go to the Bahamas, because they aren’t there anymore.

But before we get to that, we want to delve a little into an odd twist to the Bionic Man story.

OSI and the Six Million Dollar Man(atee)

We’ve uncovered that there was not one but THREE active bionic agents during the 1970s. Two of these were human, and one was a dog

Steve Austin we know. And while we do know the names of the two other agents, Jaimie Sommers and Maximillion, we’re not sure which is which yet. (Editor’s note: you’re an idiot).

Over the past months while we were trying to sort out the names, it occurred to us that these three agents are likely only the three we know of. It is completely unlikely that the US government and the National Security apparatus stopped at a man, a woman, and a dog.

So that begs the question: what other bionic agents are out there, waiting to be uncovered by intrepid and, frankly, handsome journalists? While we have absolutely no “evidence” at the moment, we have some theories:

  • A bionic chimp. The odds that OSI just crammed $6 million worth of nuclear electronics into a person without testing is ludicrous. A test primate is almost certain. Where is he, and what is his agent name? The Million Dollar Monkey? Mad Bling Orangutan?

  • In reference to the first bullet point, there has been speculation about a trucker and his ape friend,  "Bear." Unverified reports claim that the Bear could be a Russian attempt to steal our technology.

  • A bionic manatee. This is likely simply because the species names are so similar. That’s just how science works.

  • A bionic Richard Nixon. This program likely originated during the Nixon administration, and there is no way he’d let some Air Force chump bogart all the bionics. 

We’ll release more information on Sommers, Max, and any other bionic agents we discover. Plus, keep an eye out on our upcoming expose, “Wine, Women, War and Taxpayer Dollar Waste.” 

Want more journalistic bionic bombshells? Check out:

Like to laugh but hate to read? Check out the other Jacks of no Trades videos:


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