Top Tips to Cultivate an Epic Midlife Crisis


In an effort to stay on top of the ever expanding midlife crisis market, we here at the Midlife Crisis Center want to share with you these amazing tips on how to foster a truly epic midlife crisis.

It’s no secret that the labor force participation rate remains stubbornly low. If you don’t know this little tidbit, it’s just because it’s boring and you’re not a nerd.

So boring

However, the smart people at Damper Three have figured out why people don’t want to participate: they’re having a midlife crisis. It makes total sense: you’ve been driving semi trucks for two decades, a pandemic comes along and BAM! You’re out of work for a while. And now that there’s work, you get to get back to not seeing your family for large chunks of time while being confined to a box trapping your own flatus for days on end.

A midlife crisis is not only understandable, it’s essential to keeping your sanity.

So let the Midlife Crisis Center give you a few tips to cultivate an epic midlife crisis:

  1. Don’t try to simplify your life by becoming Amish. Those guys got skills, and you do not. This will only make you want to get into woodworking, but you won’t have as many power tools.

  2. Do not just divorce your spouse and run off with someone 20 years younger. While normally this is a midlife crisis power move, the young spouse market is pretty tight right now, which drives up cost. And if you had the cash to afford a young hunk/babe, you probably wouldn’t be having a midlife crisis.

  3. Hey! Maybe start a blog! Or a YouTube channel! That’d be fun!

  4. A quality midlife crisis costs money, there’s no getting around that. If you’re an empty nester, consider renting out your spare rooms to college students you can look down upon for their bad choices. That kills two birds with one stone by giving you cash and making you feel better.

Your new hobby of tropical deep sea marine biology is going to cost you.

  1. If you happen to unlock the secret of human cloning, then make an exact duplicate, shackle him/her to your soul crushing job, then run off with all your savings to live the life of adventure you always dreamed! Unless this already happened and you, yourself, are the clone. Then forget what we just said.

  2. Whatever you do, don’t start a blog or YouTube channel.

Please note that we have discontinued our Midlife Crisis Center hotline and are now using hot new the Midlife Crisis App FMYLIFE! Please download it now, but not from Google Play or the Apple Store. They won’t let us sell it because apparently they have a problem with our lead programmer, just because he used to be an intelligence officer for the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea. So you’ll need to download it from www.FMYLIFE.TRUEKOREA.

Like this article? Keep the good times going with one of these humor posts:


  1. Replies
    1. All advice come with commercials, unless you purchase the premium midlife crisis advice.


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