Monthly Wrap-up

FEBRUARY WRAP-UP

February is the only time you ever think of Iowa. 

February should be called the “celery of months,” in that other than adding some questionable filler to the rest of the calendar, it’s hard to understand why it’s there. After reading the summary, you’ll wonder why it’s there too. The month, not the summary, you jerk.

·        We need to start out with a retraction for January.  We here at D3 want to keep your trust and hope you understand that when we make mistakes we admit it.  We reported that there was a puff of white smoke above the Vatican, and that the Catholic Church had in fact elected the first female Pope.  The fact of the matter was that Piggly Wiggly had a sale on bananas, which is a mistake anyone could have made.

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       Anyway, on to February:  In an attempt to reach out to millennials, the Iowa Democratic Party used an app  for reporting the state caucus results.  This instantly appealed to the large “boomer” generation by simultaneously combining their generational disdain for smartphones and software. It did, however, evoke strong nostalgia for the Bush-Gore debacle in Florida.

·         Internationally, authorities near the Institute for the Study of Nuclear Reactors in Russia announced that there has been a little pollution in the snow.  Also, background radiation in the area has increased. Oh, and it was also announced that area schools will be closed a little longer after the holidays due to concern over the flu, and authorities asked that people abstain from going out on the streets.  In an unrelated report, across the border, authorities in the city of Wuhan, China asked that everyone stay inside due to a nuclear reactor leak in the area, and ask that anyone going out in the terrible radiation please wear bio-hazard masks capable of filtering a 3micron virus. So plan accordingly. 

·         Back in the states, President Trump, regarding the Justice Department’s abrupt decision to withdraw an earlier sentencing recommendation for his close friend and former campaign adviser Roger Stone, who was in fact found guilty, stated “Just so you understand, I chose not to be involved. I’m allowed to be totally involved. I’m actually, I guess, the chief law enforcement officer of the country. But I’ve chosen not to be involved.”   He went on to say, “You could also call me the main Doctor guy.  Like a gynecologist, only richer.”  His advisers were seen dragging him away as he shouted, “You know, to help them when they are going hysterical.”

·         On February 2nd, 2020, the Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, thus an early Spring is on the way.

·         In sports, we find the San Francisco 49ers losing the Super Bowl to the Kansas City Chiefs, 20 to 31.  President Trump calls a sports franchise in Florida somewhere to congratulate them, and goes on to say, “Just so you understand, I chose not to be involved. I’m allowed to be totally involved. I’m actually, I guess, the chief sports referee of the country. But I’ve chosen not to be involved.”

·         The Senate fails to see what the words of people who are witnesses to a crime have to do with a trial regarding those crimes, and find Donald Trump guilty of “having really cool ideas about taxes.”

·         President Trump, in his State of the Union address, probably says a lot of things.  We're not sure, as we didn't watch it, but assume there was a bigly amount of words spoken.  Given our certainty that you didn't watch it either we will say he stated that D3 is either the worst blog (if you dislike him), or the best (if you agree with him).  We know most of you won't be able to verify anyway.

·         Nancy Pelosi causes a stir when she, in an attempt to show disrespect and utter contempt for the Commander in Chief, tears up his “Unlimited Spray Tan” contract with Kalifornia Sun Tanning.  Fortunately the White House had a backup of the contract on a secured server in the Ukraine.  

·         In other news, On February 2nd, 2020, the Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, thus an early Spring is on the way.

·         Several days into the month the Democratic National Caucus announces that, “We're pretty sure there's been some sort of voting, but we have, as yet, been unable to determine which state it occurred in.”

·         February 5th, the credits roll one last time for Kirk Douglas.  As per his final requests, no damn dirty apes will be used as pallbearers.  It is unclear at this time if he will be buried 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  On a serious note, thank you for your service in the Navy sir, we hope to see you on the other side.

·         And on Groundhog's day this year, on February 2nd, 2020, the Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, thus an early Spring is on the way.

·         The Iowa Democratic Party announced that they are very sure that they will have the poll results as soon as they find out who the candidates were, and exactly what kind of poll did they use.  President Trump was noted as saying, “I know all about poles.  Probably more than anybody.  The trick is to throw $2 bills on the stage near the pole.  They look like 20's or 5's or something, but you get yuge results from these broads.”

·         Senator Elizabeth Warren causes a stir when she condemns any billionaire who would refer to women as “Fat broads and horse-faced lesbians.”  It was later determined that she was not referencing President Trump and the news coverage dropped significantly.

·         All of the candidates in the Iowa Caucus declare themselves unequivocal winners and hop in jets to fly hopefully to clearer results elsewhere.  Meanwhile the Election Officials in Iowa hire O.J. Simpson to investigate who the real Winner was.

·         Things heat up in the City of Wuhan when officials state that the radiation is possibly contagious and no one should ever consider breathing “air as we know it.”  A U.S. plane evacuates many Americans, 14 of which are found to be actively showing symptoms of the Corona Virus and drops off them in Syria.

·         President Trump goes on a Corona Virus Fact Finding trip to Mara Lago to determine if there are “any Coronas on the links there.”  He puts Mike Pence in charge of protecting the rest of the country from “that sniffles thing.”

·         Wall Street reacts to the decisive actions of the White House by shedding billions of dollars in money, plummeting headlong towards what the Fed Guy, that isn't Allan Greenspan anymore, called a “flaming catastrophe the likes of which are Biblical in nature.”

·         In other news, On February 2nd, 2020, the Punxsutawney Phil did NOT see his shadow, thus an early Spring is on the way.

·         Iowa Election officials declare the results to reflect, “Drink your Ovaltine...”

·         RETRACTION:  We here At Damper 4 pride ourselves on our eye for detail, but are more than willing to admit those rare occasions when we make a mistake.  We reported last month that Best Buy was selling surplus 60” Plasma Screen TVs for $8.99 when you called the number we published and reserved your purchase.  It turns out that was our ex, Jennifer's #.  We apologize for any inconvenience.

 

JANUARY WRAP-UP

Time is a merciless troll, isn’t it? Often it seems that it takes 10 seconds to forget the nuclear launch codes you’ve been memorizing for 3 years, but you can easily remember the time in 4^th grade when the girls were running around kissing every boy within reach except for you.

Well, we’re here to help. Our Monthly Roundups are here to provide a quick reference for the things that matter, so long as those things are things we saw on Twitter. So let’s start his off with a recap of January. Remember January? We didn’t think so. That’s why we’re here.

·        The year started off with the Iowa Democratic Party announcing there will be some “Changes coming to a Caucus Near You, but we aren't saying what.”  They then proceeded to frown and look at their phones.

·        Federal law regarding tobacco and vaping sales changed the minimum age to buy those products to 21 years.  Major cigarette manufacturers responded by selling Nicool-aid, a nicotine laced high sugar drink, explaining that it comes wrapped in paper that you can light and breathe in deeply to quench your thirst.

·        In Colorado news, the University of Colorado is going to start offering home buying assistance to qualifying employees.  “Rising housing costs in Colorado make it challenging for some of our employees to afford homes,” CU President Mark Kennedy said in a university news release.  “This program will help them live in the communities they serve.”  Loans would be made to staff through creative use of funds that otherwise would have been wasted on grants and scholarships to dumb poor kids.

·        In Topeka, KS, the Democratic governor and a top Republican lawmaker have outlined a new proposal for expanding the state's Medicaid program.  The deal between Gov Laura Kelly and Senate Majority Leader Jim Denning announced that an evil gang of “hideous republican trolls” had been thwarting the bipartisan endeavor.  The plan would give Kelly the straightforward expansion of state health coverage she advocated, and cover an additional 150k people, while allowing Denning to buy a new convertible since he's no longer a viably electable Republican troll.

·        In Phoenix, AZ, the light rail service is sponsoring an event that promotes the right to bare legs.  Yes, you read that right.  Phoenix will be taking part in the global No Pants Subway Ride.  An official for Phoenix Light Rail was quoted as saying, “Who hasn't been on a subway and thought, 'The only thing that would make this crowd of perverted frotteurs any better would be if I didn't have pants on.'”

·        In New Mexico, the Hobbs News-Sun reported that a non-injury fire erupted at an ExxonMobil refinery in Louisiana, because let's face it, New Mexico is not like real Mexico.  Nothing happens in New Mexico.  

·        In other AZ news, Rep. Andy Biggs questioned the decision to end the “Star Ratings” for the Veterans Affairs hospitals, which helps assess the quality of care for veterans.  A representative for the VA responded that they are currently implementing a new rating system based on the Kelvin system.  Thus a VA hospital could get a rating of several thousand stars while still falling below standards of heath care found in particularly virulent rat colonies.

·        No review of January News would be complete without a shout-out from our friends in Texas.  The San Angelo Standard-Times reports that San Angelo is the New Mexico of Texas.  And in Houston, TX, the report came out that Texas has more than half of the U.S. 'Worst Benzene Polluting Refineries.' Local, Clara Brumhandle was quoted as saying, “Honey, everything in Texas is bigger’n anything you gonna find anywhere else.  You ain't gonna find a tumor like this in a West Virginia Coal Mine!”